Not your storm. Your calm. Your exit.
- wellnesstherapybyp
- Oct 1
- 6 min read
Introduction: keep your power where it works
You cannot reach into another person’s nervous system and move the levers. You can choose your tone, your pace, your words, and your exit. That is not surrender. That is skill. From the reading below, you could find approaches to reduce reactivity, a simple boundary script that works at home or at work, and a seven-day practice plan.
By the end, you might find it easier to pause, know how to speak, and when to leave. You could find phrases that hold under pressure and a routine that builds automatic calm.
Why your reaction matters
Negative behaviour pulls for a reflex. You defend. You explain. You try to fix. The cycle tightens. When you slow your response, you change the conditions. You reduce fuel, improve your safety, and make space for a better choice.
Key truths
You are responsible for your conduct, not theirs.
Boundaries are actions, not lectures.
A calm exit is often the strongest statement in the room.
The two-part approach: regulate, then relate
Think lighthouse, then harbour. Stabilise first. Navigate second.
Regulate your body. Calm breath, slower speech, and softer muscles raise your cognitive control.
Relate with boundaries. Say what you will do. Keep it short. Follow through.
Part 1. Regulate: fast tools that work anywhere
The two-breath reset
Breathe in through your nose and pause. Breathe out a little longer than you breathed in. Repeat once. Let your shoulders drop by their own weight. You now have a lower arousal state and a steadier voice.
Why it helps
Longer exhale tilts the system toward calm.
Short practice builds a reliable reflex.
Works in a meeting, a kitchen, or a queue.
The four-word anchor
Silently say: Pause. Notice. Choose. Act. These four words break the old loop and give you a path. Use it before you speak, and again if the tone rises.
The one-minute scan
Scan three areas on the out-breath.
Jaw: Let teeth separate.
Shoulders: Let them fall by their own weight.
Hands: Uncurl fingers, soften the grip.
You will hear more, react less, and choose your next sentence with care.
The participation timer
Set a private limit before you start a hard talk. Ten minutes is sensible for most cases. When the timer ends, you either summarise progress or you pause the conversation and leave cleanly.
Part 2. Relate: boundaries that are actions
A boundary is not a threat. It is a policy you apply to your own behaviour. Keep sentences short. Keep tone flat. Repeat once if needed, then act.
The three-line boundary
Name the pattern.
State your limit.
Say the next step.
Examples
I will not be spoken to like that. I am ending this call. We can try again after lunch.
I want to solve this. I will only continue if we keep our voices low. If shouting starts, I will step outside for ten minutes.
I care about you. I am not available for insults. I will talk tomorrow at 10.
How long should you participate?
Less than you think. Use your participation timer and watch for stop signals:
Rising volume.
Repeated insults.
The same point looping.
When a signal appears, end cleanly.
Example: We are looping. I am pausing for now.
The grey rock skill, explained simply
When bait or drama appears, reward it less. Keep answers short and neutral:
Yes.
No.
I will think about it.
That does not work for me.
Pair this with a clear exit line.
Example: We can talk when we are both calm.
Scripts for common settings
At home:
I want to hear you. I will continue when we both sit. If voices rise again, I will take a half-hour break.
I am willing to discuss budgets. I am not willing to trade insults. I will return after dinner.
At work:
I appreciate urgency. I will not accept blame language. I am moving this to email with clear tasks.
I want a solution. I will only continue if we stick to the agenda. If not, I will reschedule with a third person present.
Online:
I value this relationship. I will not debate in messages at midnight. I will pick this up tomorrow after 9.
I do not engage with insults. Muting this thread for now.
With extended family:
I love you. I am not discussing this today. Let us enjoy the meal. If the topic returns, I will go for a walk.
Decision guide: green, amber, red
Green: Firm disagreement and respect are intact. Stay and problem solve.
Amber: Raised voices, sarcasm, or guilt trips. State your limit once. If behaviour continues, pause and leave.
Red: Threats, humiliation, or fear. End contact, seek support, and document. Safety first.
The values compass
Boundaries feel stronger when linked to values. Choose three such as kindness, honesty, and calm. Use them as tests:
Does my response reflect kindness to self and others?
Am I being honest without cruelty?
Is this exchange respectful?
If not, what action shows my value?
Values turn boundaries from walls into direction.
The cycle breaker: stop arguing the premise
Many negative cycles start with a trap. You defend against a false frame, and the argument grows. Decline the frame:
I do not accept that description. I will discuss the plan, not my character.
We see this differently. I am not debating motives. Let us talk about tasks.
That feels unfair. I am going to pause and return later.
You are not obliged to fight on ground that harms you.
The calm meeting format
Use this when a relationship matters and both parties want change. Keep it on one page. Simple plans survive stress.
Opening line: I want this to go well for both of us.
One concern: State a single pattern you want to change.
One request: Ask for a behaviour, not a change of personality.
One offer: Share what you will do differently.
One check: Ask what would help them do their part.
One review: Agree on a date to check progress.
The nervous system piece
Negative behaviour often meets an inflamed system. Poor sleep, hunger, and overwork make you more vulnerable. Protect your baseline.
Sleep routine: Same lights out each night, where possible.
Food and water: Do not argue when you are hungry or dehydrated.
Movement: A short walk before difficult talks.
Breath: Two-breath reset whenever the tone rises.
This does not excuse harm. It reduces your reactivity.
Cognitive skills that help
Name and reframe
Thought: They are trying to ruin my day.
Reframe: They are in pain. I do not have to join it.
Move from why to how
Why are you like this?
How can we keep this practical?
Limit mind-reading
Ask: When you said that, what did you hope would happen?
Use clean requests
Swap blame for specifics. Instead of "You never listen", try "Please look at me while I speak for one minute".
The one-page boundary plan
Fill this in once, then keep it on your phone. It supports the behaviour you want when pressure rises.
My triggers: List three patterns that hook you.
My limits: Write one sentence for each. Keep it behavioural.
My exits: Decide how you will leave. Phone down. Walk outside. Reschedule.
My allies: Name two people you can message after a hard exchange.
My practice: Pick one anchor line and rehearse it once a day.
Practice plan for seven days
Day 1: Write your three triggers and three limits.
Day 2: Practise the two-breath reset three times.
Day 3: Rehearse your boundary line out loud ten times.
Day 5: Use a clean request in a real conversation.
Day 6: Run the calm meeting format for a small issue.
Day 7: Review. Keep what worked. Adjust one step.
(Small repetition builds automatic calm.)
Common traps and how to avoid them
Endless explaining: Say it once. Act next.
Counter insults: Do not light a second fire.
Threats you will not keep: Only promise actions you will take.
Score keeping: State today’s issue. Solve that.
Public confrontations: Move to a private, safer setting where possible.
Quick reference phrases
I am not available for that tone. We can try later.
I respect you. I am ending this for now.
I will discuss plans, not insults.
I need a break. I will return at 4.
That does not work for me. Here is what does.
I am leaving now. We can schedule a calmer time.
(Copy two of these into a phone note. Use them as your script under pressure.)
Conclusion: small steps, steady breath, a cleaner exit
You cannot make someone behave well. You can behave well yourself. You can set limits on time, tone, and topic. You can leave when needed. Start with two breaths. Use one line. Keep your promises to yourself. The cycle will either improve or end. In both cases, you will be safer, steadier, and freer.
Book a client consultation for boundary and calm coaching
We will listen, review one approach, and map a week you can follow. Bring one concern and one hope. Leave with a one-page plan and the confidence to start today.
📍 Kleinmond and the Overstrand region
Ask for Pierre 📞 082 822 1283
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